None

This company is truly hilarious—how dare you even ask whether I want to come back to work? Have you lost your memory, or are you just overflowing with confidence? Please, I don’t even want to leave my shadow behind in that place. You’d be better off finding a part-time worker at a convenience store to bail you out; they might even have more logic than your current employees.

Stop bothering former colleagues who jumped ship long ago. We’re clear-headed and rational, unlike that bunch of deadbeats still spinning their wheels, daydreaming all day in the company. Cross me off your contact list. My future doesn’t need to play a sequel in your lousy script.

Finally, one piece of sincere advice for new employees: good luck—I hope you can make it through the first quarter, because what you’ll be facing is a group of supporting characters who haven’t even figured out the opening scene.