Workplace reviews and discussion: 寬瓏有限公司

Every day brings some absurd incident or demand that will make you furious.

If you consider yourself an expert at palace intrigue,

you are extremely well-suited to join this company.

There will surely be no shortage of drama in the future.

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Below is an introduction to the core members of the team claimed to have 15 people in the job listing, commonly known as the Golden 💩 Squid Squad.

(Three of them gang up on you to get you to sign your resignation.)

📍The company’s supreme Boss—the Old Princess 👸

A representative of the scheming old green tea type. When she says A, it means B (even though it is obviously wrong), and you can only go along with her and pretend black is white. Otherwise, she will think you are no good and send you home with a plate of squid to eat.

She will also tell other people how good she is to you, saying that she gave you squid to eat and even included a big red envelope as a bonus (but she never actually gave you one).

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📍The Old Princess’s Repeating Parrot 🐦

The Old Princess’s errand runner and driver, as well as the answering machine for when the Old Princess’s social anxiety acts up.

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📍The highly paid Old Ox Shield 🐮

His fee is so high that even saying one sentence costs a fortune, yet all he does is praise his glorious achievements from the past, talking nonstop from age 15 all the way to 50 about how amazing he is. In reality, he has zero substance and is merely a useful shield the Old Princess paid to hire.

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Q. You ask whether the company doesn’t have 15 people? Oh, in reality there aren’t even 10 people. Perhaps the others can only be seen by the Old Princess.

———

After saying so much, the story is only just beginning. Once upon a not-so-distant time…

There was an Old Princess who was emotionally unstable all day long and loved to hide little schemes, resulting in the office seats never having permanent occupants. For more than a year, someone left every month, without exception.

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Episode 1. 《The Old Princess’s Fickleness》

1. During livestream events, she talks about how discounted the products are and how much can be saved by combining promotions. Then, near the end, she realizes, “Oops, it was accidentally too cheap,” and goes back on it, saying, “I misspoke just now~~”

2. She really dislikes writing the event times, because if sales are not going well, she can quietly end the event and only explain when customers ask.

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Episode 2. 《The Old Princess’s Persistence》

1. She does not like letting designers create their own designs. Copying other brands’ most beautiful designs is preferred, while continuing to claim that we are an exclusive Taiwanese local design brand.

2. Whether it is a small bag, a large bag, or an enormous bag, there must be lots of straps. Even if it looks extremely ugly, the Old Princess thinks it is gorgeous.

3. The rude customer service replies that everyone online curses, always responding with an “Oh”—don’t doubt it, that is a reply the Old Princess considers extremely polite.

4. Whenever something is not to her liking, the message the Old Princess sends will be “==,” so employees had better treat this symbol as a kind reminder.

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Episode 3. 《The Old Princess Has Excellent Relationships with Everyone》

1. The overall reason for laying off employees is simply that they are not subservient enough, so the Old Princess gets angry (and she will first trick you into signing a voluntary resignation; only when you do not fall for it will she bring out an involuntary termination form for you to sign).

2. She wants to push the duties of a manager onto a senior specialist who has worked their way up—but without giving them a raise.

3. You have to travel a long way to take photos and get off work earlier than usual, so one hour of annual leave is deducted in advance (does going home not take time?).

4. She tells employees that if they do not become a manager, they will only get a $500 raise next year.

5. An employee was poached and left. “Sigh, they had no experience originally—how ungrateful.”

6. Work starts at 9:30, and one employee was always cutting it close, arriving at 9:28. The employee was called in, presented with a long list of entirely fabricated charges, and required to sign their name.

7. If you return from lunch more than two minutes late, you are about to receive a thousand-character message from the Old Princess: “You may not be suitable for this place”—her greatest expression of concern.

8. Employees cannot return from the restroom at the same time, or the Old Princess will think you secretly went off to fool around and badmouth her.

9. At this company, you had better pray that you stay healthy, safe, and always have toilet paper when you need to defecate; otherwise, the Old Princess will think you are slacking off and not working seriously.

10. Please eat breakfast outside. Once you clock in, she cares deeply about whether you are working diligently every single second.

11. Employees cannot be too close in private, or the Old Princess will overthink it and assume you are secretly badmouthing her.

12. Please remain quiet during work. You may only discuss work matters or topics the Old Princess and the Repeating Parrot like to hear.

13. To maintain a cheerful office atmosphere (?), the first colleague to arrive at work each day must automatically play music, regardless of whether you want to listen.

————

All right, my hand is too sore. I’ll leave the sequel to the other victims to write.

If your nickname is Niu Hulu XXX,

welcome to hurry into this pit of fire. We are all looking forward to seeing how you perform.