臺灣日本火腿股份有限公司

If you’re not afraid of being messed with, come in and take a look.

I, sitting in the right-field bleachers, am Yang Dai-gang’s number-one die-hard fan, holding a Hokkaido Nippon-Ham Fighters cheering stick and banging it nonstop. After all, I had long dreamed of finally entering a Japanese professional baseball stadium for the first time, so I was filled with excitement and admiration. Just as I was thinking this, a deep fly ball smacked me on the head, and I fainted. Vaguely, I dreamed that I had become a middle-aged technician interviewing the players dispatched to Taiwan for training....

The number-one batter, Zhong Chu Gongnan, said, “Me? In Japan, I was originally just a deliveryman. I guess I didn’t get along well with my coworkers, right? The boss wanted me to leave, but you know how Japanese companies have lifetime employment and don’t fire people, so they sent me to Taiwan for training. Just like the guy before me, Guo Dao Shen Ban, who bragged that his batting average was .8787—although he was a fat slob who couldn’t even hold a bat properly, he somehow married a mainland Chinese girl more than twenty years younger than him. Not only did he completely look down on Taiwanese people, he also offended Taiwanese distributors everywhere and became infamous throughout the industry. Even more ridiculous, he once shouted at a Taiwanese ball boy in front of all the players, ‘You son of a b****!’ Then, when he realized the other guy was filming, he immediately invited him into a small room, patted him on the head, and said that he had just had a bout of middle-school syndrome and asked him not to sue. Damn, XDDD. Ah, speaking of that, there was also a guy on the team before, Yan Tian Zhen Cheng Hao Dai. Not only did he have a total pervert’s face, I don’t know whether he had his eye on some Taiwanese ball boy, but he was constantly coming up with strange excuses to get close to her. In the end, the girl broke down and threatened to sue, so he was instantly transferred back to Japan. The company had no idea what it was thinking, constantly ignoring the girl’s complaints, and even bringing legal staff from headquarters to Taiwan to tell her to fend for herself. Damn, only we could come up with this kind of limitless abandonment play. What do you think, huh~ Heh-heh! Ah, you must be wondering why people this useless could stay on this team for several years, right? Simple: whenever senior management came to inspect training, they would immediately rub themselves against their thighs like horny male dogs. I don’t know whether anything was filmed, but after every meeting they would always call me to a bar in the north with a sign featuring five trees to drink. What for? I won’t say. The annoying part was that they always made me pay upfront. Come on—drinking there, ordering things, and taking them out too; those bills easily ran into over a hundred thousand. Where was I supposed to get that money? Fortunately, I could claim it as a business expense, then afterward blame those Taiwanese ball boys for being useless and only collecting their salaries without doing any work..... Uh, everything I just said was taught to me by Guo Dao. I don’t know anything ㄉㄠˋ啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~❤”

In a dark corner stood a fat slob, seemingly holding a remote control and sneering.... Sigh, I had already lost half my faith in this team. Hopefully the next player would be a little more normal.....

Next was the number-two batter, Zhe Teng Long一下. He looked fairly refined, so he should be someone easier to communicate with~ After I greeted him, he began…

“I not very good at Chinese. Even though I’ve been in Taiwan learning Chinese for three years, I still can’t really understand it~❤”

(I couldn’t help laughing.)

“Damn, what are you laughing at? Huh, are we taking this outside? You’d better not mess with me! Damn!”

(Uh... didn’t you say your Chinese was bad? Could this be a stand-in attack!?)

“Haha, just now I was under too much pressure in everyday life, all because of Gongnan~ He’s usually so fierce to me, but in private ❤…..…… Ahem........ off topic. Don’t let Gongnan’s appearance fool you—he’s actually very gentle. After Guo Dao was discovered by senior management asking a ball boy whether the bat he was holding could be eaten and was transferred back, he installed ‘a bunch’ of surveillance cameras inside the professional baseball stadium. See how much he cares about the ‘safety’ of those low-level employees? He absolutely has no intention of monitoring their every move! Really, he doesn’t—you have to believe me!! …………………………………………… Please.”

(I don’t know what it means that you’re still practicing swings with that bat while saying all this, but please continue.)

“Not to be rude, but their methods are all too MAN. They should be more like me: first pretend to be lonely and helpless to lower those ball boys’ defenses, then catch them off guard and properly train them. That’s much more fun~ Oh, there’s something that makes me both angry and amused whenever I think about it. There was someone who always stood up for those ball boys, and I’d long wanted to mess with him. Although he applied to us a month ago for one week of annual leave to intern in another country, of course we immediately said, ‘Sure~ Have fun~’ and even signed his leave form. Then, after he actually left the country, we immediately notified senior management in Japan that he had quit without authorization and should be fired! Brilliant! He wasn’t there, so there was no evidence~ He usually acted so cocky, didn’t he? If that nasty HR lady hadn’t suddenly jumped out and said that his leave form was right there with our signatures on it, our face would have been slapped swollen like a divine pig. Just thinking about it makes me furious. I’m such a masochist!”

(………………………………….…May I ask what those ball boys did to make you want to do this to them?)

“Who told them all to have minds of their own! It’s true that I was the one who first told them to figure things out themselves, but that doesn’t mean they can disrespect me like that. We also give them reasonable salaries. Where can you find a 35K job these days? So what if they speak English and Japanese? I’m the most important one, you know! It’s absolutely not because I lack the ability and don’t know how to solve things, so I tell them to do everything!! It’s really not like that—you have to believe me!! …………………………………………… Smooch❤”

Just as I heard the sound of reason snapping, and at the instant I was about to smash the microphone clenched in my hand into his face, suddenly the earth began to shake ……..

I woke from the dream. I slowly opened my eyes, my head still faintly aching, but the hazy figure in front of me seemed to be.... He smiled and said, “Are you all right? Oh right, I’m playing for the Giants now. Remember to come watch.”

Everything above was just a dream. If it happens to resemble reality………then I don’t know what to do either. Go ask Teacher He.